Friday, 5 June 2015


Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the fight against ISIS. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged... to take advantage of this offer (Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip).
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
Combat Jacket 
Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim) 
Tin helmet 
Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers) 
Gas mask 
Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do) 
Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item) 
Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all '12' registration Challengers, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
The Guns of Navarone 
Kelly's Heroes 
A Bridge to Far 
The Longest Day 
Apocalypse Now 
The Matrix 
Blazing Saddles 
The Desert Song 
Mary Poppins
In the event of these not being available, anything with John Wayne will do.
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes or Julian Beirne. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
Mike F.